surprise package

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. "Hello there," says the man, "and what is your name?"

"Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"

"I'm Jim."

"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??"

"Sure!" replies Jim, "Let's go!"

So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. "Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says.

"Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey.

"Is it your brother?"

"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.

When he finally asks, "Is it your husband?"

Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" Jim was relieved.

"Then, it must be your boyfriend!"

Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!!"

"Then, who is it?" Jim asks.

Stacey replies, "That's me BEFORE my operation!!"

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random stuff

After a long boring day i decided to surf some of the "spiritual" stuff . Was just reading some random stuff about different religions, until I stumbled upon some lectures of a Indian monk given in 1893 in Chicago, what they claim to have been a world religion conference. It was quite impressive, indeed. I shall quote few of what I read and comment. Tolerate me. I’m a bit too bored. :)

The sun goes down, its crimson rays 
        Light up the dying day; 
A startled glance I throw behind 
        And count my triumph shame; 
                No one but me to blame.

Each day my life I make or mar,
        Each deed begets its kind, 
Good good, bad bad, the tide once set 
        No one can stop or stem; 
                No one but me to blame.

I am my own embodied past; 
        Therein the plan was made; 
The will, the thought, to that conform, 
        To that the outer frame; 
                No one but me to blame.

Love comes reflected back as love, 
        Hate breeds more fierce hate, 
They mete their measures, lay on me 
        Through life and death their claim; 
                No one but me to blame.

I cast off fear and vain remorse, 
        I feel my Karma's sway 
I face the ghosts my deeds have raised — 
        Joy, sorrow, censure, fame; 
                No one but me to blame.

Good, bad, love, hate, and pleasure, pain 
        Forever linked go, 
I dream of pleasure without pain, 
        It never, never came; 
                No one but me to blame.

I give up hate, I give up love, 
        My thirst for life is gone; 
Eternal death is what I want, 
        Nirvanam goes life's flame; 
                No one is left to blame.

One only man, one only God, one ever perfect soul, 
One only sage who ever scorned the dark and dubious ways, 
One only man who dared think and dared show the goal — That death is curse, and so is life, and best when stops to be.

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emotions

In life we are taught a great many things, but for some reason we do not learn much about emotions! For most of us our emotions are something of a mystery. We know that we have them but have little idea where they come from or how we can experience them more positively.

A useful model developed, by psychologist Dr C. Spezzano, allows us to become more self-aware and to better understand our emotions. At any point in life, our emotions will be experienced from any of six different perspectives.

Denial > Resistance > Pain > Guilt > Fear > Love

Denial - Many of our fears and insecurities are hidden beneath the surface of our conscious minds and we can therefore be completely unaware of them and how they affect our lives. We are often in denial of these insecurities - an unconscious strategy designed to avoid us having to face the emotional pain that we believe might overwhelm us if we were to unearth our hidden fears. We hide them away for protection and then try to get on with life. Unfortunately, these insecurities have a nasty habit of reappearing in our lives as emotional trauma, relationship difficulties and even health problems.

Resistance - Life will through all sorts of challenges at us and these will raise the emotional temperature. In a struggle to keep our insecurities at bay and avoid feeling our negative emotions we will tend to resist anybody or anything in life that might trigger these unpleasant sensations. This normally involves some form of compensatory behavior or distraction from anything that could trigger our pain. Trying to be very successful in education or work to gain approval, or trying to be a really 'nice' person would be typical examples of compensations, but there are many, many more.

Pain - Sooner or later, usually due to traumatic events in our life, the resistance is broken and we begin to feel emotional pain. Our reaction is to either bury it again through more resistance and denial or hand the pain to somebody else - we tend to blame other people for our negative emotions. This is what happens in bad behavior, arguments and rows as we judge and project our pain outwards into the world.

Guilt - Under our tendency to blame other people for our problems is a usually unconsciously held belief that, in fact, we are to blame. This guilt is based around our low self esteem and unworthiness that we take on at a very early age and comes out of a belief that we have let people down (often our parents) and hurt people in some way. Self-blame and guilt are always mistakes and much of our work focuses on letting go of these damaging emotions. More information on Guilt & Low Self Esteem

Fear - All these negative emotions are actually hiding our deeply buried fears. There will be many different fears that we are unwilling to deal with, but ultimately these will boil down to our fears about being abandoned, rejected and unloved. As we gain confidence and greater emotional awareness we are able to feel, understand and let go of these fears.

Love - As we face and heal our fears, rather than suppressing or denying them, we discover that they hide our natural state - that of love, spirit and pure positive energy. As we strip away the pain, guilt and fear we are left with the beauty of our essence - full of creativity, abundance and joy.

We usually experience these emotional responses sequentially. They appear as layers in our reaction to people and events in our lives. Our negative emotions can be understood as our defense mechanism to avoid feeling pain, guilt and fear, that usually originates in our childhood. If we want to gain more emotional awareness and maturity we need to work down through our emotional layers and heal or our insecurities and fears. By understanding the layered nature of emotions we begin to understand why we have certain thoughts and feelings and also understand the people around us better. Ultimately we can let go of all the negative emotions and bring more love into our lives and improve our relationships and romantic experiences.

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How to be a good mate

Like any relationship you need to put effort in to keep a friendship going. Follow TheSite's ten top tips to keeping your mates and you'll never be lonely again:

Like yourself: How can others be expected to like you if you don't like yourself? It's no fun hanging out with miserable sods. Repeat the mantra - bah forget it.

Choose well: Don't overstretch yourself, while it's great to have loads of people you know and like, it's better to have a select few that you spend more time with.

Make time for each other: Don't abandon your mates at the first sign of lust, they're the ones you'll run to if it all goes wrong, and if you've vanished off the planet for a few months previous to this they may not want to pick up the pieces. If you are on the receiving end of this, tell your mate directly, as subtle hints tend not to work.

Treat them as you wish to be treated: Obvious? You'd think so, but most people fail on this one.

Make them feel wanted: Just like with lovers, where you may give surprise gifts, special dates and candle-lit meals, making your friend feel special can help make your bond stronger...and you may get gifts in return!

Speak: It is better to bring up problems before you get to the point of a massive row, but either way make sure you do discuss them rationally and apologise for being an idiot if necessary. Then let it lie and move on.

Listen: This is a two-way thing, don't expect them to continually help you out with your dilemmas and then have no interest in helping with theirs.

Trust and loyalty: These are essential to close friendships. You don't have to share everything, but if you do, make sure you don't blab to everyone else. How would you feel if they did the same?

Support them: If you want them to 'be there for you' you'll have to be there too.

Admit when it's over: If you bore each other and it's a chore to spend time together, then call it a day

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some songs

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meaning of life

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friends.

Incident number 1 :  

A guy didn't come home at night. 

He reached home at the morning. 

The wife was worried. 

She asked him where was he the whole night.

He told her he was with his friend (guy).

she called the friend to verify. 

The friend told her "of course he was with me whole night. we are now playing chess and drinking beer"

Incident number 2 :  

A girl didn't come home at night.

she reached home at the morning.

The husband was worried.

He asked her where she was the whole night.

She told him she was with her friend (girl).

He called the friend to verify.

The friend told him "I told you don marry that bitch. you left me and married her. now enjoy"

moral of the story: men are too stupid and women are too jealous. :P

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SHY GUYS

how to know if they like you?

These are tough to crack sometimes...
   He'll look at you, until you turn around, then boom, he's looking the other way.
   You may 'feel' like he's watching you - but he's hard to catch at it
   He may do something physical - like grab you in a play way, poke you, play with your hair...
(Remember when you were really young and the guy you liked punched you or tackled you?)
He may be working really hard to pay attention to you, but doesn't quite know how...

   He may ask a friend of yours about you - he'll say it's just for "friend of mine" that wants to know about you.
   He talks to everybody else - but when you're around he turns silent, or chokes up.
   You seem to accidentally bump into him a lot of different places.
   He may not say a word to you, but he shows up in the same line, at the same movie, etc.
   He'll give you a little smile from across the room, but if you get near, he won't look up.
   Basically - the BIG clue is that his behavior changes when you're around (compared to when he's around his buds or other girls).
   DEAD Giveaway - when you talk to him he turns red. 
(Bingo - you can pack that puppy up and take him home...) 

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top 10

Top Ten Tips - HOW to tell He's Flirting with YOU and/or Attracted to YOU

1. The Eyebrow Lift

When a guy first sees a girl he's attracted to, chances his eyebrows will rise and fall. Quickly. 

(You can slip the flip of an eyebrow back at him, if you're interested - it's a clear signal both ways.) 

2. Gaining Your Attention

Exaggerated movements or gestures usually mean that he's trying to stand out from the crowd. 

He may shift positions so that he is standing slightly apart from his friends or a group of people. 

3. Slight Parting of the Lips

His lips may automatically part for a second when your eyes first meet.

4. His Nostrils Open Slightly - Face Widens

As his eyebrows raise and nostrils flare slightly so with the parted lips, he has an open, friendly expression on his face.

5. He Shifts to the Classic Male Courship Stance

The macho stance (cowboy style) - he'll probably lock his thumbs in his belt or belt loops, point his fingers downwards, spread his legs about shoulder distance apart and tilt his head to one side. 

6. Touches His Own Face

He may rub his chin, brush his cheek with the back of his fingers or touch his ears.

(He may not realize this is a combination of nerves and unconscious preening behavior.) 

7. Strokes His Shirt Front, Smoothes his Jeans

More unconscious preening - smoothing a shirt sleeve, tie, shirt pocket.

(The equivalent of the female lip lick.)

8. Fiddles with His Hair

He may smooth or tussle his hair involuntarily and more often than you might realize - again preening for you...

9. Eyebrows Arc While Talking

He may, accidentally, exhibit a slightly surprised expression with slightly raised eyebrows - which means he is interested in you. 

(Forget the guy who looks at you with a smooth, relaxed brow and eyes - he thinks you're boring. You probably think he's boring so drop your eyebrows and more on.) 

10. Sock Adjustment

If a guy pulls up or adjusts his socks in your presence, it's an almost 100 per cent sign he's interested and trying to look his best. The big preening signal...

 

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Love, Laughter, And You

Three things that make my life complete Are love, laughter, and you, my sweet The laughter has lasted since day one Loving you darling, has been so much fun Whether it's giggles at the kitchen table Or all out laughter wherever we're able Each and every laugh, a symbol of our love You're my everything, all I ever dreamt of Our love, now that's a bit more serious Shining through when our laughter is delirious Starting the day with love's tenderness Saying goodnight with a sweet caress Love, laughter, and of course you. You bring into my life the other two From the day we met, and for every single day Love and laughter in our lives will stay

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for some one i know

Must Know Facts About Condoms

When used properly condoms offer good protection against pregnancy and some protection against sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Condoms are not fool proof, they do fail, but they can help decrease your risks. Condoms must be used exactly as directed on the package. If you do not use condoms as directed their failure rate dramatically increases. Never use more than one condom at a time, one is all you need.
Only water based lubricants should be used with condoms, oil based lubricants can cause the condom to break. Some examples of oil based lubricants are; baby oil, cold cream, Vaseline, hand cream or any cooking oil.

Condoms should never be stored in your wallet or any other small and warm space. They should only be stored in a dry and cool place. Glow in the dark, colored or flavored condoms do not generally offer protection against pregnancy or STIs. Read the label to be sure.

You need to put on a new condom each time there is ejaculation. You must use condoms with oral and anal sex to protect against STIs even though pregnancy is not a concern.

Condoms do offer some decreased sensitivity for guys but they do not mean that there is no sensation at all. For some guys who have problems with premature ejaculation condoms can actually help.

You do not need a prescription for condoms and they can be bought almost anywhere. With very few exceptions condoms are one size fits all. There are not many guys who are too large or too small for the average condom. So stop pretending as if you have a extra large penis. Stop pretending as you don sense a thing when u use condom. Stop putting your GF's through all the troubles.

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Are you in love?

It is a very common question, "How can I tell I'm in love?", but it is not an easy question to answer. What feels like love to one person may be nothing more than attraction to another. Some people fall in and out of love quickly and often while others are never really in love as much as they are in lust. This can get confusing when you are a teen because romantic love is a relatively new concept for you and you don't know what to expect. You are overwhelmed with all sorts of new feelings and social pressures. They are confusing. What is love? What makes you want a romantic relationship with one person and not another? How does your heart choose a partner? Why does love end? These questions can't be easily answered.

One of the most confusing quasi-love feelings is lust. Lust is a very powerful, very intense feeling of physical attraction toward another person. Lust is mainly sexual in nature - the attraction is superficial based on instant chemistry rather than genuine caring. Usually we lust after people we do not know well, people we still feel comfortable fantasizing about. It is very common for people to confuse lust for love. But why? What is it about lust and love that make them so easy to mix up? If lust is all about sex, how can a relationship without sex be about lust? Teens struggle with this because they see lust in the Biblical sense, but lust isn't that sinister. Lust is about physical attraction and acting ONLY on physical attraction. Love is about much more than that. Yet many teens (and to be fair, many adults) confuse an intense attraction for some sort if divine love. For teens, since feelings of attraction are still new and since pop-culture sells sex and love as one package, it is very easy to get the two mixed up.

Lust is clearly not love. Love is based on more than just physical attraction. Sure, attraction is a factor, but love goes deeper than that. Love is based on caring, friendship, commitment and trust. When you are in love it is as if you have your best most trusted friend at your side AND you feel physically attracted to them. It is the best of both worlds! Love is a shared feeling between two people who have a vested interest in one anothers happiness. Love is not about jealousy. It is not about conflict. It is not about testing. Love is a positive feeling. If it is tainted by mistrust, jealousy, insecurity or spitefulness it is not really love but merely a pale copy. Love is the total surrender of your heart to another person with the security of knowing they will treat it better than you will. Love should feel good. It should not feel bad. Love should make you want to be a better person, it should not lead you to do something self destructive. Love is not demanding of your spirit but lifts it and makes it glow. Love is a good thing. Anything less is lust, deep friendship or attraction. So the sappiness aside, the question remains, how can you tell you are in love?

There is no easy way to find the truth behind your feelings or the feelings of another person but there are some tell-tale signs that love is blooming (or growing deeper). If you agree with 7 of the following 9 statements you are probably in love.

·         You know, because you have been told by your significant other, that your deep feelings are returned in kind.

·         The object of your affections makes you feel special and good about yourself.

·         If/when you feel jealous it is always fleeting; you trust your partner not to betray you or hurt your relationship.

·         Nothing makes you feel as serene as when you and your partner are together.

·         When you fight with your partner you usually make up within a few hours and you always agree that nothing is more important than you both being able to express your true feelings (even if they sometimes cause conflict).

·         Your partner never asks you to choose between him/her and your loyalties to your family and friends - if you do choose him/her over them you always have a good reason and it is always YOUR decision, and your decision alone.

·         Neither you or your partner feel the need to test the other's loyalties or feelings.

·         You are more yourself when with your partner than you are with anybody else.

·         If sex is part of your relationship it is by mutual desire and agreement without the slightest hint of commitment testing or persuasion.

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You Might Just Save a Life

Everyone feels blue at one time or another. A death in the family, a disappointment in your career, a romance gone awry--all can cause most people to feel down for a period of time. Grief and sadness are normal reactions to life's stressful events. After a time, however, most people will heal and return to a normal life.

Depression is more than the normal ups and downs of life that we all have. When sadness just won't go away and it begins to interfere with daily life we recognize this as a mood disorder called depression. 

Sometimes depression goes unrecognized because it may manifest itself in more ways than just a sad mood. A depressed person may feel any or all of the following emotions: anger, irritability, hopelessness, fear, anxiety, fatigue, numbness, confusion, worthlessness, or shame.

A depressed person may also feel physically ill, weak, or in some cases have hallucinations.

Depression can affect every aspect of your life: your physical health, your sleep, your eating habits, your job, and your relationships with friends and family. It affects your thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

People with untreated depression may choose to self-medicate with drugs or alcohol. They may also relieve their emotional pain by overeating, physically harming themselves (cutting, burning), being sexually promiscuous, or other self-destructive behaviors.

Depression may come on suddenly as result of a stressful event or it may grow slowly over months and years. It may have an apparent cause or it may not seem to have any rhyme or reason. Depressed people suffer from an imbalance in their brain chemistry that makes them especially prone to stress. What may seem a small setback to someone else may be the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back for a person prone to depression.

It is very important for those who love a depressed person--as well as the depression person themselves--to understand that a depressed person suffers from a very real illness. A depressed person cannot just "snap out of it" or "cheer up". They are not weak, lazy, defective, or seeking attention. They are ill and need your help.

Like any other illness, depression is treatable. Although there is no "cure" for depression, it is very controllable. There are a wide variety of medications that are effective in treating depression. With medication, therapy, and time, a depressed person can get well and lead a happy and productive life. I'm living proof of that. When I say living, I mean that literally. Depression is also the number one cause of suicide. If you suspect that you or someone you love is depressed, take steps now to get treatment. You may just save a life.

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change your reputation

10 Things You Can Try

Changing your reputation may sound frivolous but there are people who have had a string of bad luck and need help getting other people to give them a second chance.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to change your reputation, as long as you know that there are no guarantees your new one will be any better. If you sacrifice good friends in your quest to reinvent yourself you may be a big loser in the end.
Make New Friends While Keeping Old Ones
When you get in with a new crowd you should never write off your old friends. Don't burn any bridges, don't turn on old pals to impress new ones, and never turn in to a nasty gossip hound. Never build up your own life by putting down other people.
Whatever changes you make to yourself in the name of a better social life, never let your quest turn you into something you are not.
Here are a few things you can try in order to change your reputation and build a new social life.
Join a Team
Find a sport you like and do it as much as possible. Join the team at school or find one in your community. You'll be part of a group with common interests and you'll get in to better shape.
Get a New Look
Change your hair style, hair color, or both. Find a new way of dressing, one that reflects the person you want to be. This doesn't have to be expensive. You can find really cool clothes in thrift shops or consignment stores. Having a cool look is about personal style not designer labels.
Smile
It sounds simple but too many people forget to smile. Make smiling a part of your normal social interaction, even with people you hardly know, and people will see you in a more positive light. It is hard not to smile back when somebody is beaming at you.
Get a Hobby
Like sports teams, hobbies can be great ways to meet like minded people. Find a hobby you genuinely enjoy and join a club or group for enthusiasts.
Exude Confidence
Even if you are jelly on the inside never let it show on the outside. Keep your head up at all times and never let people see you sweat.
Be Kind
Caring about others makes others care about you. Think about volunteering to help at a charity. You'll meet new people and do some good at the same time.
Don't Be Afraid to Conform
Conforming to the positive social norms of the group you want to be a part of is a good thing. Not all peer pressure is bad. If it is prosocial and doesn’t do harm it's probably safe to go with the crowd.
Get Serious About School
Change your study habits and strive for better grades even if you already get pretty good ones. By being a better student you will bolster your confidence and that will positively influence how others see you.
Don't Try to Hide Who You Were
Own up to any truths in your previous reputation. Don’t ever try to hide the truth. Tell people you have changed and that you want a chance to prove it. Then show people that the old you really is a thing of the past.
It isn't easy to change your reputation but it's not impossible either. It takes some work and a great amount of courage to reach out to new people and make new friends but it is worth the effort. Not everybody will like you or welcome you in to their group so try not to be discouraged. Be as friendly as you can to everybody you meet and your positive attitude and confidence will draw people to you.

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smart answers

credits : ray

Some may be read b4... 
SMART ANSWERS TO STUPID QUESTIONS: 
> 
> BOY : May I hold your hand? 
>GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy. 
> 
> GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me! 
> BOY : You love me... 
> 
> GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a 
> ring?? 
> BOY : Sure, what's your phone number?? 
> 
> GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest. 
> BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple 
> 
> 
> GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever. 
> BOY : Don't you ever want to improve?? 
> 
> BOY : I love you and I could die for you! 
> GIRL : How soon?? 
> 
> BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you! 
> GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there?? 
> 
> SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning 
> kiss?? 
> TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the 
> cigarette out of his 
> mouth. 
> 
> MAN : You remind me of the sea. 
> WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting? 
> MAN : NO, because you make me sick. 
> 
> WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear 
> and comes out of 
> the other. 
> HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in 
> both ears and comes 
> out of the mouth. 
> 
> MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What 
> do u think, 
> Peter? 
> PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly. 
> 
> Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and 
> no one else ?" 
> Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list 
> again yesterday". 
> 
> Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun 
> or the moon?" 
> Pupil : "The moon". 
> Teacher : "Why?" 
> Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we 
> need it but the sun 
> gives us light only in the day time when we don't 
> need it". 
> 
> Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on 
> talking when 
> people are no longer interested?" 
> Pupil : "A teacher". 
> 
> Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?" 
> Customer : "What other colors do you have?" 
> 
> My father is so old that when he was in school, 
> history was called 
> current affairs. 
> 
> Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !" 
> Sam : "It's a family tradition". 
> Teacher : "What do you mean?" Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my 
> father is a teacher". 
> Teacher : "What about your mother?" 
> Sam : "She's a woman". 
> 
> Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father 
> that I've 
> failed?" 
> David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, 
> past year's 
> performance repeated". 
> 
> Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating 
> a donkey and 
> stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?" 
> Student : "Brotherly love". 
> 
> Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say 
> prayers before 
> eating?" 
> Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good 
> cook". 
> 
> Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering 
> doctor?" 
> Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show 
> that nine out of 
> ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the 
> tenth case I've 
> treated. The others all died". 
> 
> Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of 
> COINCIDENCE?" 
> One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married 
> on the same day 
> and at the same time."

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girl speak dictionarry

We need : I want
It's your decision : The correct decision should be
obvious by now
Do what you want : You'll pay for this later 
We need to talk : I need to complain 
Sure...go ahead : I don't want you to.
I'm not upset : Of course I'm upset, you moron. 
You're...so manly : You need a shave and you sweat
: a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight. : Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not : I have PMS.
overreacting!
Be romantic, turn out the lights. : I have flabby thighs. 
This kitchen is so inconvenient. : I want a new house.
I want new curtains : and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper...
Hang the picture there : No, I mean hang it there! 
I heard a noise : I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? : I'm going to ask for something
expensive.
How much do you love me? : I did something today you're
really not going to like...
I'll be ready in a minute. : Kick off your shoes and find a
good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? : Tell me I'm beautiful. 
You have to learn to communicate. : Just agree with me. 
Are you listening to me!? : [Too late, your dead.] 
Yes : No
No : No 
Maybe : No
I'm sorry. : You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? : It's easy to fix, so you'd
better get get used to it.
I'm not yelling! : Yes I am yelling because I
think this is important.

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The same old thing. : Nothing. 
Nothing. : Everything.
Everything. : My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really. : It's just that you're such a jerk.
I don't want to talk about it. : Go away, I'm still building up
evidence against you.

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feared by men

1. What are you thinking about? 
2. Do you love me? 
3. Do I look fat in this? 
4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 
5. What would you do if I died? 

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses. 

Question #1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."  

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. "Football." b. "Golf." c. "How fat you are." d. "How I would spend the insurance money if you died." 

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!" 

Question #2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "Yes!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." 

Inappropriate responses include: a. "Oh yeah, sh*tloads." b. "Would it make you feel better if I said yes?" c. "That depends on what you mean by love." d. "Does it matter?" e. "Who, me?" 

Question #3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" 

Incorrect answers are: a. "Compared to what?" b. "I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin." c. "A little extra weight looks good on you." d. "I've seen fatter." e. "Sorry, what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died." 

Question #4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" 

Incorrect responses include: a. "Yes, but you have a better personality." b. "Not prettier, but definitely thinner." c. "Not as pretty as you when you were her age." d. "Define pretty." e. "Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died." 

Question #5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Ferrari and a boat.") 

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines: 

Woman: Would you get married again? 
Man: Definitely not! 
Woman: Why not -- don't you like being married? 
Man: Of course I do. 
Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry? 
Man: Okay, I'd get married again. 
Woman: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face) 
Man: (audible groan) 
Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed? 
Man: Where else would we sleep? 
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? 
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do. 
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs? 
Man: She can't use them -- she's left-handed. 
Woman: (silence)
Man: Sh*t.

Read more!

65 things to do on a plane

65 Things to Do on a Long Airplane Ride

1. Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it
2. Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar
3. Hijack the cockpit and, over the loudspeaker, anounce that the first class passengers and luggage are to switch places
4.Run down the aisle screaming,"He's got a bomb! He's got a bomb!"
5. Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed
6. Fly into a rage whenever the word "Gallstone" is mentioned
7. "Accidental" soda spill on the dork next to you.
8. Go up to someone and ask loudly if they wouldn't mind applying Preporation H to your hemrrhoids
9. Tap at the windows, saying "Looks pretty tough" then ask somone if they have a bat you could use to test.
10. Disco dance in the aisle
11. Mess up your hair, untuck your shirt, basically look crude, and mingle with a first class guy as if you were long-lost friends
12. Give someone a coin, saying "Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I don't"
13. Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling "We're out of toilet paper! Stewardess!"
14. Describe your sex life in great detail to the five-year-old next to you
15. Try to lead plane in song "Oh I wish I was an Oscar Myer Weiner"
16. Lead a revolt against the first class passengers
17. Attempt to promote Hinduism among passengers
18. Moon passing Delta planes
19. Lead a bible study session in the back of the plane
20. Start a hot dog stand
21. Steal businessman's laptop, play solitaire on it
22. Pinch the stewardess' butt as she passes
23. During the inflight movie, ask to share headphones with someone
24. When two people kiss in the film, belch real loud
25. When there's any nudity, say "Hey! He/she must be real cold!"
26. Tell the person next to you your life story, from DNA to that afternoon
27. With the person next to you, discuss cannabilism among airline crash passengers on deserted islands
28. Remark that perhaps you shouldn't have put superglue in your undies that morning
29. Pick your nose and pat the person next to you
30. No matter what the meal choices are, demand rice-a-roni
31. Show off your Batman underwear
32. Ask the guy next to you to hold your dentures (senior citizens only)
33. Switch accents and see if anyone notices
34. During the meal, loudly explain that on time you ate shark fin soup
and proceeded to puke all over the airplane, spewing chunks of shark on the other passengers
35. Sneak into the cockpit and hit the warning alarm
36. Explain how, one time, the plane was crashing and the oxygen masks didn't come out, 'cause they aren't really reliable, and that if the plane was to crash, everyone would die
37. Put on a ten foot diameter sombrero and slouch in your seat, whacking everyone on the head
38. Scratch your butt, then sniff your finger
39. Go into the cockpit, flick on the intercom light, then loudly inquire as to why the fuel dial says "e"
40. Go into the cockpit, ask the pilot in an obnoxious voice "Why do the call it the COCKpit?" then snort as if it's the funniest thing in the world
41. Don't use deoderant, then "accidently" stick your armpit in someone's face
42. Sneeze, using somebody's sleeve instead of your hand to cover it
43. Listen to James Brown on your Walkman, sing along (especially the
"Oooh Oooh" parts)
44. Snort when you laugh
45. Tell corny jokes and laugh like it's absolutely hilarious, then expect others to do the same 46. Wear a hairpiece and switch it often, seeing if anyone notices
47. Sing that irritaing song that starts like this "I lost my car on the rooooooaaddd an' I'm cryin' over yooooouuuu...."
48. Recite all you can of the last Ann Landers column
49. Hum the Monty Python theme song
50. Act like a movie star
51. Scream and dive under your seat for no apparent reason
52. Ride carry-on luggage down the aisle, yelling "Yeee-ha!"
53. With a desperate look, ask the stewardess where the bathroom is, then look relieved and say "Nevermind. Do you have any towels?"
54. Whip out your kazoo and give first class a special entertainment show
55. Jump up and scream "AAAHHH!! I left the stove on!!"
56. Bring a microphone and act like Frank Sinatra
57. Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think they're Kevin Costner or Goldie Hawn (This best when the person looks nothing like the movie star in question)
58. Start talking Korean
59. If someone has a bad toupee, whack it off
60. Pretend you're flying the plane
61. With a fellow passenger, Re-enact the disco scene in "Airplane!"
62. Get some rub-on tattoos and a leather jacket, pretend that you belong
to a biker gang
63. Take over the plane with a toy gun
64. Yell to someone "Is it time to hijack the plane yet?" (Note: Do this when there are stewardesses there)
65. To the person next to you, say "It's amazing that they didn't notice the grenade in my luggage

Read more!

Attorney and witness

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken
>> down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of
>> staying calm and quiet while these exchanges were actually taking>place.
>>
>> ATTORNEY : When is your birthday?
>> WITNESS : July 18th.
>> ATTORNEY : What year?
>> WITNESS : Every year.
>> ____________________________________
>>
>> ATTORNEY : What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>> WITNESS : Gucci sweats and Reeboks. 
>> _____________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY : This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> > WITNESS : Yes.
> > ATTORNEY : And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> > WITNESS : I forget.
> > ATTORNEY : You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
>forgot?
> > ___________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY : How old is your son, the one living with you?
> > WITNESS : Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> > ATTORNEY : How lo ng has he lived with you?
> > WITNESS : Forty-five years.
> > _____________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY : Are you sexually active?
> > WITNESS : No, I just lie there.
> > _____________________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY : What was the first thing your husband said to you that
>morning?
> > WITNESS : He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> > ATTORNEY : And why did that upset you?
> > WITNESS : My name is Susan.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY : Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
>voodoo?
> > WITNESS : We both do.
> > ATTORNEY : Voodoo?
> > WITNESS : We do.
> > ATTORNEY : You do?
> > WITNESS : Yes, voodoo.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY : Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
> > sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> > WITNESS : Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> > ___________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY : The youngest son, the twenty-one year-old, how old is he?
> > WITNESS : Uh, he's twenty-one.
> > ________________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY : Were you present when your picture was taken?
> > WITNESS : Would you repeat the question?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY : So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
> > WITNESS : Yes.
> > ATTORNEY : And what were you doing at that time?
> > WITNESS : Uh....
> > _____________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY : She had three children, right?
> > WITNESS : Yes.
> > ATTORNEY : How many were boys?
> > WITNESS : None.
> > ATTORNEY : Were there any girls?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY : How was your first marriage terminated?
> > WITNESS : By death.
> > ATTORNEY : And by whose death was it terminated?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY : Can you describe the individual?
> > WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a beard.
> > ATTORNEY : Was this a male or a female?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
> > deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
> > WITNESS : No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
> > dead people?
> > WITNESS : All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY : ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
>go to?
> > WITNESS : Oral.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY : Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> > WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
> > ATTORNEY : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> > WITNESS : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
>an
> > autopsy on him!
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > ATTORNEY : Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> > WITNESS : Huh?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > As for the last!!!
> > ATTORNEY : Doctor, before you performe d the autopsy, did you check
>for
> > a pulse?
> > WITNESS : No.
> > ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure?
> > WITNESS : No.
> > ATTORNEY : Did you check for breathing?
> > WITNESS : No.
> > ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
>you
> > began the autopsy?
> > WITNESS : No.
> > ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> > WITNESS : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> > ATTORNEY : But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
> > WITNESS : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
> > practicing law!

Read more!

world war 2.

The chat room traffic would have gone something like this.

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!

paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u $#%s im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun #$%@socker
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re

T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all $#%s
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game.*

Read more!

20 symptoms of nerd

credit: ray

You collect funny SPAM messages. 

You talk to your computers, not because you're bored, but because you're afraid they might be. 

Your household ratio of computers to humans is at least 4:1. 

You are completely free of tan lines. 

When someone says 'organized sports' you think 'LAN party' 

You have lost most of your social abilities. 

You never used them anyway. 

When you must converse with others, you speak a cryptic language of acronyms decipherable only by another geek. 

No 'warranty seal' is safe in your presence. 

You have a gigantic box of spare cables that you never use. 

You could never be convinced to part with it. 

You want your 21" Trinitron CRT monitor to be buried with you. 

You understand why '42' and 'AYBABTU' are funny, and still laugh at both. 

You're afraid of the telephone. 

You're always free on Friday night. Free to play your favorite MMORPG 

You consider 'Geek' a complement. 

Your non geek friends have no idea what you do for a living. 

Camping in the woods, without electricity, or wireless access is your idea of a nightmare not a vacation. 

You have over 30 E-mail accounts, and check them all regularly. 

You understand computers better than people.

Read more!

funny equations

Funny Equations (credits: ray)

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy 
Donkey = eat + sleep 
Therefore, 
Human = Donkey + work + enjoy 
If, Human - enjoy = Donkey + work 
In other words, 
Human that don't know enjoy = Donkey that work 

************ ********* ********* ********* 
Men = eat + sleep + earn money 
Donkeys = eat + 
sleep 
Therefore, Men = Donkeys + earn money 
If Men - earn money = Donkeys 
In 
other words, 
Men that don't earn money = Donkeys 
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* 
Women = eat + sleep + spend 
Donkeys = eat + sleep 
Therefore, Women = Donkeys + spend 
If, Women - spend = Donkeys 
In other words, 
Women that 
don't spend = Donkeys 

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* 
To Conclude: 
 • Men earn money not to let women become Donkeys! 
• Women spend not to let men become Donkeys! 
• Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys! 
 • And the Donkeys lived happily ever after!

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some song

Read more!

101 ways to annoy people

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. 

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties

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